school starts

Tomorrow morning is a morning I have dread for over a year. Jacob starts school. I have put a good front for him (at least I hope I have) about how excited I am for him. I just feel like I am losing my little boy. It being back so many of the emotions of his birth. There I was cuddle and breastfeeding or I should say learning to breastfeed my first born son, when all of sudden the whole world got crazy. They, the nurses and doctor, took him away! They started doing all these things to him. Next thing I new I was separated from him. I was made to watch video on how to care for my newborn son but could not hold him. I was brought to a room and told to rest. Rest, I didn't know what was going on with my son, how could I rest. Once everyone left me in my room, I wobbled himself to a near by wheel chair and wheeled myself through half of the hospital. Finally getting to be beside my son. I was allowed to stick my hand in a little hole and touch him, but I couldn't hold him. My husband tried to explain to me what all the wires were for but my mind was a blur. I stayed there by his side for hours and the other hours I was made to sit in a little room with stuff on my breast trying to get milk in so I could eventually breastfeed my son. ... in the mean time I had to deal with feels of lost. I really felt like my son was not mine anymore, he was the nursing staff. I had to have permission to touch him, the oxygen levels and warmth of the incubator would drop to low when the little window was open to long. I had to eventually be discharged from the hospital without Jacob. I had to face coming to a house fully ready to greet a newborn baby but without my baby in my arms. It was some of the hardest time I have faced. and again... I sit here with the ticker boom going.... of school. The exception this time is that this will not end anytime soon... but again, I will not be able to be with him to help him or cheer him on, again I will have to trust government paid professionals to take care of his needs, and again tears are streaking down my face... it seems like I was just getting to enjoy this incredible boy God has graced me with and now I have to share him with the world. I know there is a joy in that, but right now all I see is tears and pain in my heart.